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Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Duality

Duality : an instance of opposition or contrast between two concepts or two aspects of something; a dualism.
For as long as I can remember I have struggled with a sense of duality; although up until Sunday afternoon I called it many things; 'confusion', 'confliction', 'contradiction'...
I have struggles with decisions, not because I don't feel strongly enough about either option, but because I feel so strongly about both options.
Do I want to be a Paramedic, or a Creator? Do I want the melted cheese or do I want to go for a run? Do I follow my head.. or my heart? Do I want to be an independent woman, or half of a whole? 
I guess the truth is that I want it all and none of it at the same time (of course)
I feel like I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that actually, maybe it's not the situation that I'm in that makes me feel so unsettled.. maybe it's me.
 I guess I've always had a strong sense of purpose it's just quite difficult when that sense of purpose is dragging you in two opposing ways. 
I think that this started at a young age when I didn't understand how I could feel both love and dislike for someone at the same time. It wasn't just that though.. it was choosing between playing football with the boys and trying to make friends with the girls.. investing in spiky belts and baggy jeans whilst also cooing over the newest adidas tracksuit. It was wanting to make art but hating art lessons.. wanting my brother to get in trouble for dropping me on my head but also desperately not wanting him to get in trouble... wanting wholeheartedly for my family to stay together but desperately wanting it to part because surely those struggles would be better than these ones. 
It's not that I feel 'torn' with everything... but it's something that affects my life on a regular enough basis for me to have considered it a problem. 
I guess what I find hard is that there just isn't a right answer. I mean hell... do I just LOVE a right answer. I find myself overthinking every element of my life because I want to do the right thing, the best thing, the most appropriate thing, the most genuine thing, the most honest thing.
And I mean really.. the thing is that actually maybe either option could be fine. Maybe it's fine if I choose to dye my hair brown again.. it's probably equally fine if I keep it pink. Sometimes it can be hard to apply this logic to bigger decisions.. decisions that actually matter and aren't just to do with my hair.. or food. 
It's in my nature to be 'an overthinker' but that's due to my need to understand everything.. to be able to construct an informed opinion.. to make an informed decision. 
I wonder if it's something that a lot of - pardon the phrase - millennials suffer with, because there's just so much more choice than there used to be. We have a lot more freedom to think and speak than generations before us did and the life we live is changing at a much quicker rate. Information is more freely available and 'out of the ordinary' is less used because everything is just so much more accessible. 
We're told to 'Have fun and travel the world' but 'Are you on the property ladder yet?' 
'Follow your dreams' but 'Make sure you have a proper job'
 'Decide on your lifetime career at the age of 17' but 'Don't study the wrong thing at University.. think of the debt!'

Where I'm at with all this is still - surprisingly - some strange mixture of acceptance and panic. There's pro's and con's to being this way.. much like there is with everything I guess ( I say 'I guess ' but lets be honest there's no guessing here.. I've probably already listed all the pro's and con's and found myself falling equally for both sides)  
What I once thought made me 'weak', 'incapable' and 'clueless', I know see can also make me 'open minded', 'capable' and 'aware'. It's not that I don't know things.. it's that I know lots of things and I like to make informed decisions... It's not that I don't care, it's that I care SO much that I want to have all angles worked out...It's not that I'm incapable.. it's that I'm capable of seeing two opposing viewpoints and really feeling both of them.

So here's to being continually stuck in existential crisis, and both loving and hating it - in equal measures - at the same time.

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