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Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Ideas On Being Unapologetically Vulnerable

If we could firstly just all agree to move on from the fact that my elbow looks really weird in this photo then that'd be greatly appreciated. (I know.. now you've seen it you can't ignore it)

I've wrote this intro about fifty times and not once did I think it would be about elbows.

So here it is: being vulnerable is something I struggle with. Like most, I have experienced the highs and lows of life's natural journeys and through this, have seemed to reach the conclusion that allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a bad thing. It's dangerous because, well.. you're clearly more open to being hurt.. ruined.. right?
Well I've been thinking (now that's the dangerous part) and actually, I'm not so sure that I believe my own thoughts anymore... They do have a tendency to steer me off track a little.
For those of you that don't know, my nine year relationship ended in January and although this is not at all what this post is about.. I feel like it's relevant just to say, 'Yeah, I gave absolutely all of myself to someone and it still wasn't enough.' And so of course, why would I then ever be open and vulnerable and honest with another human ever again in my entire life because surely this will just happen again.
Well then what...?
Well then if it just does... I just deal.
I think that it's quite natural, especially as a woman, to feel 'ashamed' of our emotions or our vulnerabilities because too often they are seen as weaknesses. How often do we apologise for showing our real reactions to things...The actual raw grit that defines us and makes us individual but yet also so incredibly human? Ever notice how everyone's ex girlfriend was a 'psycho'? I think that it's subconsciously ingrained in us to be apologetic for being 'sensitive' or as I like to call it, 'in touch with our emotions and having the ability to be empathetic' 
By keeping those parts of our self internal are we not just devaluing the most natural elements of our being? I think there's a lot to be said for intuition, gut reactions and actually allowing yourself to be seen. 
I guess what I'm tying to say is that I'm desperately attempting to live a more authentic life that has room for vulnerability and if anything, actually requires it. 
I actually believe that however terrifying it may be, it is important to allow yourself to be open and vulnerable with yourself and also within your relationship with others because otherwise.. what's the point?
Suppose I was to be 'agreeable' for the sake of avoiding tension... ( I know that this doesn't seem like something I would do in a million years but you'd be surprised).. at what point would I get what I require from that relationship, whether it be a friend or more? 
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not planning on spilling my guts to every man and his dog but more that I am trusting in those that I actually want a close relationship with because it just makes sense that when you're around those who give you all the good feelings.. that you're relaxed, open, and not anxiously overthinking everything that you say or do as to not appear 'too much'.

I think it's wrong that so many feminine traits are laced with negativity.. 'Don't cry like a girl', or even 'Man Up'... (I feel another blog post coming on), but really what I'm tying to get at here is that there is strength in exploring your vulnerabilities with others. It's all well and good to go through life with these protective layers of our personality that have the soul function of protecting us but y'know what? It's all bullsh**. No matter how much I project this 'I don't give AF' attitude to the outside world, it's me that I'm spending the rest of my life with and actually I know myself well enough to know that I do give AF about basically everything ever. 
SO, supposing I was to meet a guy... suppose I already had.. and imagine I was to actually be a little bit more into him than I felt comfortable with... but was never particularly open about this fact because, well.. y'know.. self preservation. D'you think I'm going to be any less hurt if it all went Pete Tong? I could of course convince myself that I didn't allow myself to get 100% involved so its obviously not an accurate reflection on myself but I'm not sure how much that really helps when you're halfway through a bottle of red and sobbing on the floor to Adele songs.

The thing is.. not everyone is going to find it endearing how you cry at every episode of 24 hours in A&E, are constantly walking into door frames and want to hug every old man that you see. And... I think that I'm finally coming to terms with that idea.

And so here we are. 
I'm currently in an entirely new situation and it's exciting and wonderful and also really fucking terrifying but if i actually think about it ( when I'm feeling brave, not when I'm overtired after night shifts and craving cuddles) I'd much rather embrace the opportunity of being hurt, knowing that I have been open, honest and vulnerable than float aimlessly through life, being agreeable and a shadow of myself and then end up with the potential of being hurt anyway.

Some people live their entire lives 'fitting in' and in fear of others judgement, keeping their innermost vulnerabilities locked up for no one to find, accept and love.. but I don't want to be one of those people.
So here's to being unapologetically vulnerable.
Here's to being open about my anxieties, my fantasies, and my ' I know this is stupid but..' goals for the future. 
Here's to having an open heart that allows joy to flow through it as well as pain. 
Here's to not being *stuck*.
Here's to giving 100% to the things that I'm into.
Here's to crying at the next advert with puppies on and not being even slightly apologetic about it.


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