Okay.. so.. I don't really know where to start. I guess firstly, this is more of a post for those of you who might be interested in what's going on in my life, and secondly for those of you who might wonder what's up with my posting schedule in the next few months.
God... this is so weird.. I've been wanting to write this post for six months but I just wasn't in a position to and now I am.. I'm actually terrified. Terrified of letting you in.. and terrified of what happens if I fail. More than that though.. I'm excited.. and I'm proud.. and yeah.. still terrified.
Well... In two weeks time I'm beginning the journey to becoming a Paramedic.
(I'm beginning that journey in perhaps the coolest way by driving ambulance around at speed... sick)
All I can hear is you crying 'DA FUQ'?! so.. let me explain in the best way that I can:
Let me first start by saying that in some ways.. this is just as odd to me as it is to you. I've grown up an artist.. constantly having to defend my field and its worth. I love fashion, and makeup.. not biology and gore.... but amongst all of that? I care about people.. so much. I want to be the person that arrives in your family's hour of need, and I want to be good enough at my job so that I can reassure you that everything is going to be okay. I want to make your experience with trauma a little easier, and I want to reassure you that you're no bother, that you're worth my care and that things will get better.
I want to treat people how I'd like my loved ones to be treated and ultimately, I want to feel worth for what I do.
It's a personal thing I think... self worth... There's so many awesome jobs that I think are so sick and cool and all of positive things and I'd love to have them.. but I've grown to realise that what makes me tick... as cliche as it sounds.. is 'making a difference'. (I'm aware that there's millions of ways of doing this but for me.. right now? This is the the way I want to do it)
I always wanted my artwork to be so inspiring.. so engaging that it changed people's lives and their outlooks.. I wanted them to look back on the moment that they experienced my work and remember it as the moment that their life changed.
But y'know what?
I wasn't good enough.
or at least..
My goals were too high.
It's taken me years to be able to admit this to myself without having some sort of breakdown but right now? I'm actually fine with it. I was scared that people might look negatively on me 'giving up' or 'running away'.. and as much as I truly believe that if you want something enough then you work hard for it.. you also have to know when it's time to try something different and for me? That time is now.
I've had six months of assesments, interviews, fitness tests and driving tests and yesterday I finally passed the final hurdle to enable me to start the course in two weeks time.
The reality is.. that I could still fail in 6 weeks time but there's also a chance that I won't.. that I'll be the one people look for when they're scared, and that.. that would be a greater gift than I can imagine.
I know it sounds like I'm romanticising the role a bit here.. ( I have a tendency to do that about a lot of things) but I know that I'll also be dealing with a lot of drunk people.. agressive people and those that are just looking to cause trouble but on the flip side to that...actively improving - or even saving - someone's life? It's worth it I think.
I guess.. If I'm totally honest and open about this.. I feel like the only way to heal myself is to heal other people. Does that make sense? Not that I'm doing this all out of some weird self obsessed belief about my own worth and importance but more that.. I understand what it is to need help, and what it is to feel like you're drowning and I want to be the person that saves you rather than tells you to 'learn how to swim'. In a way it's like.. even if sometimes I can't help myself.. I want to help others who think they can't be helped.
Perhaps I'm just rambling..
On top of all of it's positives.. this role will also enable me to move out in a few months.. and maybe even get somewhere with my boyfriend... It'll mean that I'll actually be able to afford things occasionally rather than living in my overdraft (and omg all of the homeware hauls) ((I've already planned out my 'blogging & youtube' room)) and seriously.. these things could not come quick enough.
I'm still a blogger.. through and through and someday maybe I'll take it full-time again, but before that point there's a few things I've just gotta live through.
I'll still be updating this little space on the internet as regularly as possible and I'll still be working with brands and bloggers and going to events when I can fit them in.
The course I'll be on has different modules that have totally different schedules so as far as I can see.. July - September looks like it might be hard to keep posting three times a week and youtubing too but it might be fine. From September onwards.. things should free up a little bit and things might settle into more of a schedule again but the thing is I just don't know.. so.. I'm just giving you a heads up I guess.
'I didn't do this to get a front row seat to other peoples tragedies, I did it because I knew the world was bleeding and so was I, and somewhere inside, I knew that the only way to stop my own bleeding was to learn how to stop someone else's. '