UK Fashion, Beauty & Lifestyle Blog

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Taking Stock

So I was having a life related breakdown last night (As usual), to my poor mother (As usual) and I thought that perhaps unlike usual.. I'd voice it on here.
After starting this blog, I've gained what feels to me like a great little bunch of followers who for whatever reason, like to check out this here blog once in a while. Now, some of you might read this and wonder what the fuss is about, but for me, having a selection of people that like to read my blog brings with it a certain amount of pressure.. or... well, let me rephrase that: I put pressure on myself to post things that I think my followers will like, which of course is important, but sometimes I feel like I don't want to seem moany or, rambley. Take my outfit posts for example... they're usually mostly images of my face doing relatively similar things with a short paragraph reading something along the lines of 'So i hate my life and bought new clothes but anyway here's the photo's'.
Short 'n' Sweet.
Sick 'n' Bangin'
But then I realised, I'm not really being 'real' am I. I'm not intending on baring my heart and soul in every post from now on but, sometimes, we're all struggling with the same things and no-one says it. And occasionally, when someone does say it - it can be.. relieving in some way, or, grounding, or, perhaps help put things into perspective a little?
So here it is, my Tuesday evening gripe, that has become more of a daily and nightly and weekly and monthly and soon to be yearly gripe that I just don't know what to do with.
(So I'm giving it to you to do with it what you will)
(Lucky little sausages aintcha.)
(I'd also like to point out before full breakdown mode commences that I know I've actually got it pretty good and I'm not so much complaining, but more.. voicing my lack of ability to actually sort my own brain and life out.)
SO MANY BRACKETS.
Okay.
So.
I'm 23. 
I've been a Bachelor of the Arts for over a year now, and in three weeks time I will have been working in retail for a year.
A year.
 This wasn't the plan.
I know I'm lucky to even have a job in the current climate, and believe me it certainly has its perks, such as some wickedcool new friends and a pretty decent discount which I abuse on a regular basis.
However.. within this year I feel that I've achieved nothing. Absolutely zero. If anything, I'd say I have gone backwards.
Fresh out of graduation I was a newly qualified artist with a heap of potential but I've lost that now. Everything I could have done, work I could have made, shows I could have put on and fellow artists I could have worked for and with.. that's all gone because I didn't do any of those things. 
(Okay so I did a pretty sick internship in the month immediately after graduation which I couldn't have loved more but so far it's not got me anywhere)
I haven't moved out of home, I haven't saved up ANY money, I haven't gone traveling or gone on a girly holiday.
What gets to me the most though :
I haven't made any work. Not one piece.
I don't care what people say... the overly romanticised idea of the struggling artist living in london, holding down three bar jobs plus another in a coffee shop just to pay for studio space... well.. sometimes that just aint possible! 
Or maybe I just don't care enough?
I'm not afraid of working hard.
I'm not afraid of having no money whilst I make work. Heck. I did it for three years at uni. 
What I am afraid of is never earning enough to pay my keep - to move out and start living my life.
This fear has got me so stressed out that I've ended up abandoning the one thing that brought passion and enthusiasm in to my days and nights which in turn has made me afraid that I'll never work in the sectors that I want to and so despite being able to live.. I won't be happy or challenged or motivated.
At this point I'd also like to point out that on my current wage - I couldn't afford to move out and sort my life out anyway so.. I'm currently not ticking off anything on the old life checklist. 


So if you fancy sorting my life out, or sharing your post-grad dilemmas and failures, ( or hey, even your successes, perhaps you can share a little advice?) then, that'd just be great.

If not, and you'd rather I just shut my mouth and get back to posing awkwardly in front of the summer house wearing an outfit that's probably finished with my trusty pair of air max's, then I guess that's what I'll do.

Might be a bit awkward though?

Like if you don't comment.. and neither of us say anything more about this and I just go back to talking about clothes for ever and ever and ever..

It's gonna happen isn't it.



Damn.

x

 
 


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4 comments

  1. Outfit posts are good (hey, that's why I followed your blog, after all), but a smart little bump back to reality ain't half bad either. I shy away from writing personal things a lot, so I know how much it takes to put it "out there", so to speak. I left uni last June and only got my first real paid job last month after a year of unemployment/interning, so I do feel you. It's difficult not having money, and nigh on impossible if you don't have parents to support you (luckily my mum didn't ask for rent when I was living in the UK, but I hardly had any money when I had to pay rent out of my intern "wages" abroad). I can't really give you advice, but bear in mind that working in retail is still experience, and it proves that you can stick at and commit to something, you needn't worry as much as you are, because things will be ok in the end, and if it's not ok it's not the end (however cliché that sounds) xx

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    Replies
    1. Ahhh thankyou so much for taking the time to write that reply! It's so lovely too!
      I've followed your journey a little and have been so in awe of how brave you were just upping sticks to go and intern abroad! Seems to have done the world of good though?
      You're right - I'm still getting experience and it's perhaps better than doing nothing for a year even if it feels like that's what I've been doing - and I've certainly gained about a million new items of clothing which ain't all bad ha.
      Your comment has helped put things in perspective a bit - thanks pal xx

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  2. Soo I doubt this is any kind of constructive advice BUT moving out of home before you can comfortably afford it is really shite. If you're mum is happy to have you and you're ok being there then I'd stick with it for a while longer. When I first started flatsharing (I was 19) I spent 3 weeks of the month living on noodles because a) I couldn't really afford to live on my own and b) I had the worst money management skills!! Forget buying new clothes, I couldn't even buy proper food. And that kind of sucked. And in terms of being creative. I think you just need to do it. Don't wait for the right time. Just start now. If you're an artist then you should be making art. Got a free Saturday morning? Use that time to get your creative juices flowing. There's no time like the present! :)

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  3. I just started my blog and recently I've come to the same roadblock question...Am I being real enough? It's tough. We as humans have difficulty at being vulnerable and I really appreciate you for doing do. As I was reading this post I couldn't help but be amazed at how similar I feel. I just graduated this May and I'm living with my mom too. I'm still looking for work and its tough. I thought I'd be at least working towards my goals and dreams but sometimes I feel like I'm so behind. It's so hard to stay focused and motivated on your life list but I feel as though everything happens for a reason (as cliche as it might sound). With your job...you never know who you might meet, and experience you have, may work for your benefit in the future. I've learned to seriously take it one day at a time and to make small goals that add up to the big ones. Plus, we're young. This is this time where we have weird jobs and learn the art of patience. haha. I know in the mainstream world we're expected to have it all as soon as we graduate but I think it's fine if we don't. And it's okay if we're figuring it all out. Take your time and do it at your pace...you're not alone. Just stay positive.

    xx

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